I'm Not Broken
by Draic Kin of the Balance
Summary: Elena's heart is irreperably broken after Jeremy's death. (ONE-SHOT detailing what was going through her mind)


**I'm Not Broken**

**By CasterChroniclesLover**

* * *

"_If I smile and don't believe_

_Soon I know I'll wake from this dream_

_Don't try to fix me, I'm not broken_

_Hello, I'm the lie living for you so you can hide_

_Don't cry_

_Suddenly I know I'm not sleeping_

_Hello, I'm still here_

_All that's left of yesterday_." –Evanescence, _Hello _

* * *

"Jeremy can't come to the phone right now," I told April Young. "He's not—" A lump formed in my throat, but I quickly swallowed it down. "I'm sorry. He's dead." I killed the connection and set the phone down before making my way upstairs. Jeremy was _not_ dead. The Gilbert ring would resurrect him when the time was right, just like it'd done with Alaric. Anyone who wore the ring would revive, and that would happen with my brother. He would come back to me, he had to! Clinging to these thoughts, I entered Jeremy's room. A sense of dread filled me and threatened to overwhelm me, but I couldn't let those feelings consume me. There was still a chance for him! Jeremy lie on his bed, covered by a blanket, utterly and completely still.

_Oh god, pleasepleaseplease wake up! _I thought in despair. _Please, Jer! I can't lose you! _I approached the bed and slowly pulled back the blanket, my hand trembling so much I wasn't sure that I'd be able to do it. Jeremy's face was deathly pale, and—_oh god, no. _The stench filled my nose; I could smell…death. _Jeremy was decomposing_. I took several steps away, my breaths short and shallow. Tears came to my eyes, and I didn't try fighting them. There would be no use in it.

"Elena…," Damon said gently, standing in the doorway. I whirled to face him, and I couldn't help but feel a surge of fury towards him—towards everyone—for not being there to help Jeremy when Silas had…

"He's dead. He's dead. Damon, he's dead, and he's been dead this entire time, and I—" I pressed a hand to my mouth, my tears falling freely. "Oh my god." I looked back at my brother's…body and back to Damon. "I can smell him! How long has he smelled like that?" Damon's face was filled with sadness and sympathy.

"Hey, talk to me," he said. "I can help you."

"How? How are you going to help me? How?" I demanded, trying to keep from shouting. I ran a hand over my face, wiping away my tears. "Okay. Okay. We—we have to—we have to take care of his body. Bring him downstairs." I knew I was on the verge of losing control. I could barely form my words without trying not to crumble. I had to stay strong.

"Just carry him down please!" I said shortly, and rushed downstairs. Bonnie, Bonnie—where was she? She should have been here by now! "Where's Bonnie?"

"We told Matt to take her home," Stefan informed me. "We thought it'd be best." In that moment, all my hope was destroyed. It was time we did something about…Jeremy.

"Okay. I guess we're going to have to do this the old-fashioned way," I said. Whether it was to myself or the others, I wasn't sure.

"Do what?" pressed Caroline.

"Put his body on the couch," I instructed Damon. I could barely look at him—no, _Jeremy. _I ran into the kitchen and rummaged through the drawers, opening them and slamming them shut frantically. My hands were trembling the entire time.

"Elena?" questioned Caroline, worry creeping into her voice. "Elena, you need help finding something?" I threw open another cabinet and found what I'd been searching for: gasoline.

"Got it." I began to spread the fluid all about the house. I was beyond caring what they thought of how I was dealing. I didn't care anymore.

"_What are you doing_?" Stefan demanded.

"We need a cover story, right? You think I didn't hear you guys talking earlier? Well, what are we going to say—animal attack, 'tumbled down the stairs'? No. We burn the house down with him inside of it," I explained.

"Elena, stop it!"

"Why? Because you want me to not be in denial? You want me to face the truth? This is the truth, Stefan. I don't want to live here anymore. I don't want these sketches!" I covered them with the gasoline and kicked the Xbox. "I don't want this Xbox!" I reached into a cabinet, disregarding the now empty bottle, and retrieved some whiskey. Whiskey that had been Alaric's. Oh, god. Alaric. "Not going to need this bourbon anymore. Alaric's not here to drink it, I mean, unless you guys are willing to bring back every supernatural creature on the Other Side to get him back!" I could hear the fury and accusation oozing into my voice, but I didn't care. I turned to Damon. I was so hurt and so, so, so unbelievably angry and I didn't care that I was taking out my anger on him.

"Would you?" I demanded. "I know you want your drinking buddy back. Would you, Damon? Because I wouldn't." I was now wandering about the room, splashing the alcohol everywhere I could. "I don't know, I mean, does that make me a bad person? I—I have no idea!" I reached for Jeremy's cold hand and pulled the ring off his finger before tossing it to Damon. "He's not going to need that anymore."

"Elena!" shouted Caroline. "Stop it! You're scaring me!" Terror and worry were written all over her face. I grabbed a picture from the fireplace mantle, barely able to bring myself to look at it. It just hurt too much.

"What else are we supposed to do with the body, Caroline? I mean, there's no—there's no room in the Gilbert family plot!" I smashed the picture. "Jenna and—and John took the last spots!" The bottle of whiskey was now empty, and—my grief and anger suffocating me—I threw it against the wall. It shattered upon impact, and I seized a match from the mantle and set it aflame. I couldn't do this anymore, I just _couldn't_.

"No, no!" Stefan cried. "Elena, stop!"

"THERE'S NOTHING HERE FOR ME ANYMORE, STEFAN!" I screamed, blinded by tears. "EVERY INCH OF THIS HOUSE IS FILLED WITH MEMORIES OF THE PEOPLE I LOVE THAT HAVE DIED—MY MOM, MY DAD, JEREMY, AND JENNA AND ALARIC, JOHN, EVEN JOHN!" My voice was shaking, and I could barely get my words out. "I MEAN, THEY'RE ALL DEAD! _EVERYONE IS DEAD_! SO WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO—I MEAN, HOW AM I GOING TO—I CAN'T EVEN—THERE'S NOTHING LEFT FOR ME—" I was so consumed by my pain that I'd been oblivious to the fact that the flame had burned down to the match. "SHIT!" I dropped the match, and before I knew what was happening, Damon rushed over to me, catching it in his hand before everything could burn. Before all my painful memories could be forever put to rest.

Everything I'd been feeling crashed down on me so suddenly with so much force that I couldn't comprehend it. My grief for everyone who had died—my parents, Jenna, John, Alaric, Jeremy, everyone—consumed me and I began to sob, my body violently shaking. I had nothing. Stefan, Damon, Caroline, Tyler, Matt…when would I lose them? Everyone was gone, and I couldn't hold in my sorrow any longer. Nobody would be able to understand what I'd been through, and everything I'd lost. Not even my friends, the only people I had left.

"Elena, I need you to calm down," Damon said gently. I knew that he—no, everyone—was at a loss on how to help me, but how the hell could they help me? They'd never experienced so much loss, so much death, in one lifetime as I had.

"No, no, no, I can't. I can't. I can't. I—" I collapsed to my knees, trying to stop my tears, but it was like trying to not be sad when you'd just lost the only person you had left. _The only person you had left. _My sobs came harder now, completely wracking my body. "No. It hurts. It hurts. Just make it stop. Please make it stop. It hurts!" I felt Damon take me into his arms, and I only sobbed harder.

"I can help you. I want you to let me help you," he murmured. He gently touched my face, and I sat upright, his touch soothing me as he caressed my cheek and brushed my hair back. "I can help you."

"How?" I asked brokenly. Nobody could help me. I was beyond saving.

"Turn it off." I ignored Stefan's protests. There was nothing but me and Damon.

"Just turn it off, and everything will go away. That's what you have to do. It's what I _want _you to do. Just turn it off." I met his eyes, concentrating on them. My sadness and my anger, everything…it faded away like mist.


End file.
